Wednesday, September 02, 2009


When I was about ... 24 and going through an extremely painful breakup (having just experienced the joy of being dumped) I prayed constantly for about 6 months for "inner peace". Well, I've certainly found it now.

Inner peace is when both children are finally asleep.

Possibly because I am married and out of the market, and further possibly because I now have kids (and could possibly no longer be a virgin), my male friends have started to confide in me. It is a disturbing trend, because after years of hearing bullshit ("we usually talk a lot more about sports"), I am finally getting to hear what guys really really talk about when there are no women around.

Male Friend No. 1, whilst I was hoeing into a nice juicy wedge of Hawaiian pizza and only half-listening:

"I'll be the first to admit it - my penis is extremely short. But it's also extremely thick, and that's what makes the girls so happy." At that moment, I happened to glance at the tiny little salt and pepper shakers on the table and managed to say mm-hmm mm-hmm. My hyperactive imagination, eager as ever to help out with the illustrations, showed me a picture of a flesh-coloured cha siew pao.

[I asked him if I could ever put this discussion in an electronic medium and he said yes he has no detractors, only satisfied customers.]

Friend no. 2, on the phone:

So how should I react if, after having sex for the first time with this girl, she asks me if we could try a threesome next time. Does this mean she had a bad time with me and next time I should bring reinforcements?

No dude. If a girl has a bad time, you can rest assured that none of her future plans extending beyond the next hour would involve you. At this point, if she could make you disappear, you'd already be gone. And she wouldn't be asking after your friends. Clearly you have ventured into a rarified zone with this girl where she doesn't want to be your friend, she doesn't want any kind of long-term relationship with you, she just wants a Weinerslave.

[Clearly, also, I live vicariously through friend no. 2.]

Friend no. 3, also on the phone:

So I went to KL with 2 other guys and we hooked up with this girl who wants to try a group thing. She's small but extremely enthusiastic. I'm just watching the action from the side when one of the guys asks me to join in. Join in where? I asked. There's no space!! Between the 2 of you, I can hardly see her!!

[Given my rather uptight attitude towards these issues, it took me 2 hours to find that funny.]

But anyway, I might sound like I'm complaining but secretly I am so pleased to have finally been allowed into the inner circle (of a man's mind). It might be in need of a little cleaning but it sure beats a discussion about sports. Nobody has ever confided in me about sports before.

Now that I'm no longer pregnant, I do miss the little pregnancy jokes.

1. Pregnant friend and pregnant me in a crowded lift full of strangers. I looked over at her and asked "do you know who the father is yet?"

"I just found out," she replies. "Now I'm trying to get him to admit that it's his."

2. Pregnant me and The Son accompany a single girlfriend who's getting married to a bridal boutique. Salesgirl comes up to us and asks "so... who's the bride?"

"Me me me!!" I wanted to say. "He finally said yes!! I'm so happy!!"