Wednesday, September 02, 2009


When I was about ... 24 and going through an extremely painful breakup (having just experienced the joy of being dumped) I prayed constantly for about 6 months for "inner peace". Well, I've certainly found it now.

Inner peace is when both children are finally asleep.

Possibly because I am married and out of the market, and further possibly because I now have kids (and could possibly no longer be a virgin), my male friends have started to confide in me. It is a disturbing trend, because after years of hearing bullshit ("we usually talk a lot more about sports"), I am finally getting to hear what guys really really talk about when there are no women around.

Male Friend No. 1, whilst I was hoeing into a nice juicy wedge of Hawaiian pizza and only half-listening:

"I'll be the first to admit it - my penis is extremely short. But it's also extremely thick, and that's what makes the girls so happy." At that moment, I happened to glance at the tiny little salt and pepper shakers on the table and managed to say mm-hmm mm-hmm. My hyperactive imagination, eager as ever to help out with the illustrations, showed me a picture of a flesh-coloured cha siew pao.

[I asked him if I could ever put this discussion in an electronic medium and he said yes he has no detractors, only satisfied customers.]

Friend no. 2, on the phone:

So how should I react if, after having sex for the first time with this girl, she asks me if we could try a threesome next time. Does this mean she had a bad time with me and next time I should bring reinforcements?

No dude. If a girl has a bad time, you can rest assured that none of her future plans extending beyond the next hour would involve you. At this point, if she could make you disappear, you'd already be gone. And she wouldn't be asking after your friends. Clearly you have ventured into a rarified zone with this girl where she doesn't want to be your friend, she doesn't want any kind of long-term relationship with you, she just wants a Weinerslave.

[Clearly, also, I live vicariously through friend no. 2.]

Friend no. 3, also on the phone:

So I went to KL with 2 other guys and we hooked up with this girl who wants to try a group thing. She's small but extremely enthusiastic. I'm just watching the action from the side when one of the guys asks me to join in. Join in where? I asked. There's no space!! Between the 2 of you, I can hardly see her!!

[Given my rather uptight attitude towards these issues, it took me 2 hours to find that funny.]

But anyway, I might sound like I'm complaining but secretly I am so pleased to have finally been allowed into the inner circle (of a man's mind). It might be in need of a little cleaning but it sure beats a discussion about sports. Nobody has ever confided in me about sports before.

Now that I'm no longer pregnant, I do miss the little pregnancy jokes.

1. Pregnant friend and pregnant me in a crowded lift full of strangers. I looked over at her and asked "do you know who the father is yet?"

"I just found out," she replies. "Now I'm trying to get him to admit that it's his."

2. Pregnant me and The Son accompany a single girlfriend who's getting married to a bridal boutique. Salesgirl comes up to us and asks "so... who's the bride?"

"Me me me!!" I wanted to say. "He finally said yes!! I'm so happy!!"


At 7:49 AM, Blogger Indiana said...


At 7:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As usual, your post got my day to a good start. I always enjoy reading them, they make me laugh!

At 10:04 AM, Anonymous fayeth said...

Oh, Smootie. You post the most hilarious, deadpan stories.

Will you marry me? I promise to be a good father (mother?) to your two children!

Oh, wait...25 minutes too late? =)

At 10:23 AM, Blogger Chocolate Reindeer said...

hahaha.. your posts are too funny.. and well worth the wait..

At 11:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

so absolutely funny!


At 11:43 AM, Blogger MercerMachine said...

fayeth-she's taken:)

At 6:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really liked your writing. Can't remember how the accidental click brought me to your blog two years ago, but it has been a great read ALL the time. Keep on writing, Jen.

At 12:12 AM, Blogger Mark said...

hahaha - yeah!.... deadpan! thats the word! - smoot's posts always makes me smile!

At 12:13 AM, Blogger Mark said...

mercer ... obviously! (at least twice!) ... you lucky b....!

At 12:40 AM, Blogger expat@large said...

Just wish to point out that a) I am NOT Friend No1. and that b) "extremely" may be a somewhat subjective term.

At 6:34 PM, Blogger knobby said...

aaaaaaaaahhhh men never NEVER talk about their penises with each other! we talk about women and, ok, sometimes we talk about what we do with women, but we don't go into these ghastly details. philllll, you shouldn't ever have given her permission to post this online!

At 8:01 AM, Anonymous fayeth said...

MercerMachine: hence 25min too late! =D

Plus, same sex marriage is not legal in Singapore. sigh. =p

At 10:11 PM, Blogger savannah said...

came over from e@l. congratulations on the new baby, sugar! re y'alls new status, i revel in my honorary guy role! xoxo

At 7:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i can't wait to read all about the baby escapades!

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