Monday, September 24, 2007

Tap Water and Lawn Trimmings

Was about to hoe into a steaming bowl of fishball mee sua in clear soup when it occurred to me to ask The Husband how come he doesn't like this kind of stuff.

Well, babeh. It reminds me of no. 3 on David Letterman's list of 10 least loved Campbell's Soup flavours.

In other news, everyone in the office hates me this morning because guess who was the last person to put something in the office fridge last Friday evening ... and forgot to close the door?

Fortunately or unfortunately the only person who was materially and adversely affected was my boss, being the only person who does not eat food with preservatives in it. All his homemade vinagrette aka 'mystery chup' didn't make it. All our 8 office mooncakes, however, taste as good today as they will in 100000 years' time.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Questions Questions and More Questions

Got into a discussion today at lunch about "What's Kinky to You" and was a little bit surprised to discover that playing your favourite song over and over and over and over and over again whilst one is engaged in certain activities is not regarded as kinky. What depraved times we live in. How can that not be regarded as a touch of kink-lite, I would like to know.

Anyway, after some reframing of the issues and a reality check, we came up with a little list of "Have you ever had sex in a" questions to redefine the gimp within. Everyone had different scores. I suspect the scores vary wildly based on whether they need to be announced or can be kept to oneself. What's your score?

Have you ever engaged in sexual activities in....
1. a vehicle
2. a moving vehicle
3. a public place
4. a hospital
5. court
6. your office
7. a restaurant (bonus notches if you were still working on the entree at the relevant time)
8. a plane
9. a public bathroom
10. a karaoke pub (or, as my mother would say, nite-crup)

Have you ever tried...
1. bondage
2. animal husbandry
3. more than 1 sex partner within the same 24 hours (not necessarily at the same time)
4. more than 1 sex partner at the same time
5. receiving payment thereafter
6. skipping out without paying thereafter
7. photography during the event
8. videocamming the event
9. letting someone else listen or watch (the dog/cat/hamster don't count)
10. spitting into someone's mouth and diving in after it.
11. sex with a relative
12. sex with a close relative (vice is nice, but incest is best!)
13. violence (in moderate amounts please)

Oh God this is taking too long. Anyway, in line with our national policy on family values, everyone denied any knowledge of the above and nobody admitted anything.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Legends of the Sauce, and other sad tales

The benefit of having a coupla Hong Kong aunties in yer fambly tree is that there is a treasure trove of great recipes, fantastic cooking and good advice. The disadvantage is ... I can't understand what they are saying most of the time, unless I have an interpreter sitting next to me at the dinner table.

So the other evening we were seated down and eating the most fantastic soya sauce chicken on this side of the planet. The flavour was amazing. It was rich, it had a complex multi-dimensional structure and I don't even like soya sauce chicken at all but I couldn't stop eating. My colleague (he is dead now) just called me a plump partridge but that's another story. Anyway, everyone was happy until my auntie calls out a bunch of instructions to her maid.

Noor, in case you are starting to clean up, please don't throw away the sauce at the bottom of the pot of soya sauce chicken. I need it.

What do you want to do with it, I asked. Are you going to finish it up tomorrow?

No, I freeze the sauce until the next time I want to make soya sauce chicken, was the chilling response.


How old is that sauce? I asked, swallowing hard. I mean, really. How old is that sauce?

Oh, I think it's about 1 year old now. I'm planning to use it indefinitely. This wouldn't have happened if the old lady that gave me the sauce had passed me the recipe as well, but she went ahead and died before passing on anything. Some people are so inconsiderate.

So after a really satisfying dim sum lunch yesterday at Li Bai Cantonese restaurant, I found out the hard way that most hotel bathrooms do not have infant changing trays. Also found out, by the hardest way available, that when you change a toddler, standing up, on a beautiful black marble bathroom floor, any dark-coloured items that detach from the toddler's butt and fall on the bathroom floor cannot be detected by sight alone. They can, however, be detected by touch.

Oh well. Like the Husband says. You dim sum, you lose some.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Mitsokushi Rice Crackers and the V Tea Room

It's been a very eventful day for carbohydrates.

We had a visitor from Tokyo today who kindly dropped off a box of Mitsokushi Rice Crackers for our office, a box which now has found its way into my desk drawer and has indicated its willingness to stay.

Then at 5 pm, a young lady from The V Tea Room "just happened to drop by" with the 5 tins of cookies that I accidentally ordered last week over the phone, and about 20 tiny little tins of samples, 3 tubs of liquer barrel cakes, the most gorgeous catalogue I've seen on this side of the planet. To cut a long horrifying story short, she let us sample everything. Every last tin. With a running commentary on ingredients, freshness, 'best served' directions and most wicked of all, her sworn assurance that every single cookie was in fact so fat-free and sugar-free and calorie-lite that we would lose more calories chewing each cookie than we would gain by consuming it. Would also lose additional calories if we looked around the room while chewing. God forbid I should work myself to the bone just making it through the 5 tins I already have.

In order to help me lose more weight, I took the whisky-baileys-kahlua-and-dark-chocolate liqueur barrel cake off her hands as well. Cheaper than a gym membership, and I'll probably make use of it a lot sooner! Oh crap there is chocolate on the keyboard.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Home home home

It's good to be back in the office, although I was horrified this morning to see that someone has changed the font size in my computer display. The same someone who height-adjusted my chair so that I now sit 3 inches lower than usual, and can't reach anything on my desk. Hm.

Yeah, so I wasn't quite finished with that post.

If I had known that was what they wanted, I would've deliberately ruined my eyesight staring deep into cathode ray tube computer screens (with no screen-protector) day after day, day in day out, for the last 12 years. Oh wait. What am I saying. Never mind.

Anyway, back now. Mood not great. My handbag is still in family holiday mode - just looked in there for my keycard, found a pacifier, a matchbox police car and dozens of baby-booger-filled tissues. Also, as some clients just pointed out halfway through a meeting, a very noisy toy plane.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

On Leave, My Ass

One of the things I would really not miss about this job, or this vocation, when I do finally get to leave it all behind is the joy of not working every day. Where being on holiday actually means BEING ON HOLIDAY, i.e. RELAXING i.e. NOT spending every spare second checking the blackberry, taking calls on the mobile, or staying awake deep into the night/ waking up extra early every morning to complete EXACTLY the same work which I would otherwise have done if I was not on leave.

It is now 1 pm on the second of only 2 (TWO) days I am officially on leave, and I have just finished up all the work that a client had requested from us only yesterday morning (whilst I was getting on a bus to MovieWorld). I swear the deadlines actually get shorter when I tell them I am on leave.

So you would like us to draft 6 documents for you? When would you need them?

Well, how about tomorrow afternoon. At the very latest.

Tomorrow, I get on a plane and I stay on the plane all day. What treasures await me when I land at midnight and switch on the blackberry?