Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Don't Hate ! Consultate !

It's official. I'm now enjoying my 11th year of working life and I still do not know why people hire management consultants. But why am I complaining anyway - if we did not have the management consultants in the picture to obfuscate all the instructions and documentation, the work could have been completed much much sooner and billed for much much less.

The one working on our current matter is driving me batshit. Every time he attends a meeting, half of the billable time is spent staring at him while he takes calls or attends to the Blackberry or talks nonsense. To make matters worse, he is kaki nang - we come from the same tiny little backwater in Sarawak. In another life, I could be sporting the same combover. Lets call him Gems.

Gems is living proof that when you get old enough, people will listen to everything you say even if it's complete bull. He also has mastered the innate ability to listen to what I say, ignore it for about half an hour or 2 meetings, then regurgitate it as if it was an original idea of his.

2 meetings ago. My suggestion - a quiet resolution to a shareholder dispute, by way of a voluntary winding-up, or letting the company become dormant. Gems ignores the suggestion completely, speaks over me and insists that we go ! to ! court ! now ! because parties need resolution ! now !

Client listens to Gems. Instructs us to commence winding-up proceedings immediately. He's not even in town but he is sure we achieve it somehow. Keep Gems copied on your emails, he says.

We spend a fair bit of that evening and the next morning sorting out documents, trying to get the thing moving, instructing litigation lawyers to assist, etc.

Gems in the next email: Maybe we should have a quiet resolution. Why don't all parties meet up and talk. Maybe arbitrate or something. [Look you doofus do you know what the word "arbitrate" even means. There is no arbitration clause in the shareholder agreement you dumb nut]

Nasty letter from the other side comes through. Client gets all worked up.

Gems: Arbitrate! Liquidate! Let's litigate!

Separately we discuss with the client. He wants to wind-up the company now. Petition if we have to.

Gems: I believe we should place our key emphasis in catching up and re-building the business which has been adversely effected by such disputes over the last few months !


At 7:24 PM, Blogger Indiana said...

Well they say, "if you can't be part of the solution there is lots of money to be made by prolonging the problem."

At 8:07 PM, Blogger knobby said...

Doesn't the bugger deserve a kickback? (I don't mean kicking him in the back tho' I'm sure that sounds like a great idea.) He's increasing your billables even though he (probably) doesn't even get paid by the hour!

In other news, haven't you always maintained you were 22?

At 8:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

she was a child prodigy. pretty tricky job representing clients when the judge can barely see you over the table-top. it's called the floating voice syndrome.

indiana - email me at please

At 10:21 AM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

Indy, I knew it was just a matter of time before your female admirers flooded over into your blogroll.

Knobby, you are right. I should never doubt a man who knows his Knumbers.

At 3:55 PM, Blogger Indiana said...

Well they are hardly flooding my blogroll, but they do seem to be flooding your comments :-)

At 9:42 PM, Blogger knobby said...

Sigh. I guess I deserve the acid-in-face routine for daring to point out what should never have been published in the first place.

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