Monday, October 16, 2006

The Ten Commandments of Smoot

Have been working on a memo for the entire day and need a 10 minute breather. These are compiled from the collective experience of me and a bunch of other fussy women pursuant to a blood oath of secrecy, so it's no use asking me for names.

THOU SHALT NOT:

1. Get all sweaty and eager when I tell you that my girlfriend and I are lesbian lovers just so as to avoid giving you our phone numbers

2. Hawk a spit into my mouth and then dive in after it. Antonio Banderas may have looked cute doing that, but that could just mean that Angelina Jolie has no gag reflex

3. Send me flowers and then not call or write after I confirm receipt with thanks.

4. Wear your jeans slung lower than mine. If I wanted to date Marky Mark, then I'd have returned his calls.

5. Ask the waiter for "Skyjuice" when you know perfectly well that he won't understand

6. Put a condiment into your mouth and then spit it back into the bowl (of condiments)

7. Shake my hand and then tell me you are a proctologist

8. Offer my girlfriend $100 for ten minutes with me (although if it had been the other way, I'd have taken the cash and left her)

9. Storm over to my house and kidnap my dog just because we had a fight

10. Tell me it's not your ex-wife at the next table when we all know perfectly well it is, and then ask me when we are leaving to hold your hand and wave hi to her.

18 Comments:

At 6:21 PM, Blogger Little Miss Drinkalot said...

Re number 6 - Thou shalt not use hand used for picking at feet to rummage around in condiment bowl.

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger Little Miss Drinkalot said...

Oh and re number 8 - Thou shalt not offer my guy friends 10 beers for a night with me, especially if you're a hot and sexy stripper, and then go home without me.

 
At 6:31 PM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

Your guy friends are truly magnificent.

 
At 11:30 PM, Anonymous Cory said...

Are these based on real experiences? Because #2 and #6 are just nasty! #1,#7,#8,and #10 seem like any typical guy! But then again I'm 38 and cynical. =)

 
At 12:32 AM, Blogger valkyrie said...

LOL @ 10!

alternative action would be to say to ex-wife person, "so you're the smart one!" and give her a pat on the back.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

#2 and #6 are, sadly, based on real life experiences. Borne with dignity the first time, after which any guy who tries that again will be:

#2: vomited on
#6: left for dead.

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

Incidentally #6 happened at the Seah Street Deli in Raffles Hotel. It was a hot pepper. The guy is now a reporter.

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger The Legal Janitor said...

I'm amazed. Why would any person do silly things like those?

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

It's quite possible. I'm sure every man out there has a list of scary things done by women as well.

 
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