Hookerville

So the Husband and I went out this evening for a nice dinner and a movie. We et and then went for a short walk, just to see the sights.

Hookers, hookers everywhere and not a drop to drink.

There were girls leaning on every lamppost, corner, road sign ("NO PARKING") and even the little phallic-symbol marble pavement blocks that make it difficult for cyclists to ride on the pavement. I passed a row of 5 of these, of which 2 had their own female accompaniments. Everywhere I turned, there was boobs, legs, heavy makeup, hooker clothes, long hair and high heels, and not just on the women.

Where were we? Were we in Joo Chiat? Geylang? Desker Road? Changi? ... Pattaya?

No, we were in Orchard Road, on that nice little stretch between Isetan Scotts and Adelphi. Otherwise known as Hookerville. It's really easy to get a hooker there - just pick up a rock (you can call it "The Date Rock" if you like) and toss it in any direction. Chances are extremely favourable that some hooker with a bleeding forehead will return that rock to you, one way or the other, in the next few minutes. I can't say however whether that hooker will be male or female, but well looking at them in the shadows, I would guess that you wouldn't be able to tell either.

I used to say that it was extremely difficult to walk down Geylang Road if you were a woman because people would automatically think you were a hooker. I can now say the same for Orchard Road. Any woman who isn't dressed like she's going to the wet market is an immediate suspect. In fact, any woman in casual clothes and makeup standing by a lamp-post, dustbin, pavement block or just, well, standing could be suspect.

At one point, I was walking past the Thai embassy when some guy bumped into me and copped a feel of what my son refers to as the butty butt. Now, is it just me, OR IS THERE SOMETHING TERRIBLY IRONIC ABOUT GETTING MOLESTED IN A STREET FULL OF HOOKERS. It's like ... going to a buffet and someone runs in and steals a tiny little piece of food. Or something. I'm still processing this.

I guess one thing that really sticks in my mind about the whole Orchard Road experience is what I saw when I wandered into Isetan Scotts. Now this is after passing something like 30 hookers in the street. Then I walk into the cosmetic department at Isetan Scotts, which The Husband sarcastically refers to as "The Mother Ship", and what do I see but 2 transvestite hookers using the makeup samples at MAC to touch up their makeup. Sometimes in a moment of absolute desperation, one might sneak a little bit of lipstick at the makeup counter, but these two were going through the works - foundation, powder, lipstick, blusher, lipliner, eye makeup, mascara and glitter. I glanced around to see how the sales staff were taking this, and was a wee bit horrified to note that it was actually the salesman who was giving them the makeover. I mean, they were sitting in the makeup chair and everything, and getting their faces professionally done by one of the sales staff. When MAC used RuPaul as the Face of MAC, it must have really reached their target audience, huh. I tried checking out the cosmetics myself (oh the luxury of not doing this while carrying a 3-year old) but at one point I looked at the lipsticks, all shiny and gleaming, a thought flashed through my mind, and then. I. just. walked. away.

Oh RuPaul. If you only knew what you started. You were an inspiration for GenX transvestite hookers. Now you are a continuing inspiration for GenY transvestite hookers. Long live RuPaul!