Well Talk About Exhumed

Once while rummaging through my handbag for the gorgeous fantastic Mac lipstick case that Mr and Mrs Gremlin had given me for my birthday, I found a hamburger. Not sure how long it had been there. I was horrified, then I ate it, but that's another story.

It's really quite astounding to find, at the ripe old age of 30+ x, that there are still some people my age who are still virgins. It reminded me of how I felt when I found the hamburger. Well-blow-me-over-astounding. And what about these virgins? They really now really really want to lose that virginity. Like really really. But you don't get to keep your virginity for so long without learning some deft and cunning tricks. Like how to piss off members of the opposite sex so badly that they will never never ever go out with you again. Like how to avoid having a normal non-mono-syllabillic (hell, I can't spell) conversation with someone that you're interested in. Like how to irritate all your friends so they never want to talk to you again, let alone introduce you to someone even remotely nice.

So there's this, uh, friend (ok, not a friend, she pissed me off long ago and we are not friends). She's a virgin. She wants to experience the Joy of Sex sometime in this lifetime, before the cobwebs form, uh, there. She thinks it's like an ear piercing - if you haven't put an earring in for the longest time, it'll just close up by itself forever and ever, and then where will we be. Another friend has asked if I could, maybe, introduce a guy to her sometime within the next year or so. No freaking way. I would count that date a complete success if the guy didn't storm off within an hour and never speak to me again. Some women are just so sweet to each other. The friend who asked me to do this - she'd already introduced her own cousin to this girl. The poor guy agrees to go out with a bunch of them in a group, and she won't talk to him in any language other than Snooty. Then he buys her a drink and when he gives it to her, she says "DOES YER WIFE KNOW THAT YOU ARE OUT?". There was an awkward pause. "I'm not married", he said. Like he's NEVER been married.

When we were all 17 and trying to get into a pub for our first beer, the whole virginity thing, it was like,

Balance Sheet

Fixed Asset .................................Virginity

Then when we were in our roaring 20s and trying to meet as many guys as possible in a pub, it was

Balance Sheet

Current Asset ............................. Virginity

Now that most of us are married and having 2nd and 3rd kids,

Balance Sheet

Liability ..................................... Virginity

It would take a very very brave man to step up and put it in. Really. Between that and a bear trap, I'm almost completely certain that most men would want to take a second look at that bear trap. If you ever went out for dinner with a woman almost exactly halfway through her 30s, and during dessert she leans over and says, By the way, I'm a virgin, would you think (with tented trousers) oh yessss babyyyy. Or would you be running to the loo to ask a friend to call you with an emergency in 5 minutes (please man, you gotta help me).

To be completely fair and even though I'm really still quite pissed off with her, I did ask a friend (let's just call him The Cassava) if he would be interested in meeting hh... NO he said. NO NONONNONONONONO.

But I haven't even finished my sentence!

NONONONO. You told me she's your age and she's a virgin, right? And difficult with men? NONONONONONONONONO.

Well tell me how you really feel about it.

I suspect if she ever tried putting it up for sale, there would be several negative bids. Like men would want to be paid for their time. Plus a little premium for the stress and effort. And a fluffer.