Saturday, January 27, 2007

Well Talk About Exhumed

Once while rummaging through my handbag for the gorgeous fantastic Mac lipstick case that Mr and Mrs Gremlin had given me for my birthday, I found a hamburger. Not sure how long it had been there. I was horrified, then I ate it, but that's another story.

It's really quite astounding to find, at the ripe old age of 30+ x, that there are still some people my age who are still virgins. It reminded me of how I felt when I found the hamburger. Well-blow-me-over-astounding. And what about these virgins? They really now really really want to lose that virginity. Like really really. But you don't get to keep your virginity for so long without learning some deft and cunning tricks. Like how to piss off members of the opposite sex so badly that they will never never ever go out with you again. Like how to avoid having a normal non-mono-syllabillic (hell, I can't spell) conversation with someone that you're interested in. Like how to irritate all your friends so they never want to talk to you again, let alone introduce you to someone even remotely nice.

So there's this, uh, friend (ok, not a friend, she pissed me off long ago and we are not friends). She's a virgin. She wants to experience the Joy of Sex sometime in this lifetime, before the cobwebs form, uh, there. She thinks it's like an ear piercing - if you haven't put an earring in for the longest time, it'll just close up by itself forever and ever, and then where will we be. Another friend has asked if I could, maybe, introduce a guy to her sometime within the next year or so. No freaking way. I would count that date a complete success if the guy didn't storm off within an hour and never speak to me again. Some women are just so sweet to each other. The friend who asked me to do this - she'd already introduced her own cousin to this girl. The poor guy agrees to go out with a bunch of them in a group, and she won't talk to him in any language other than Snooty. Then he buys her a drink and when he gives it to her, she says "DOES YER WIFE KNOW THAT YOU ARE OUT?". There was an awkward pause. "I'm not married", he said. Like he's NEVER been married.

When we were all 17 and trying to get into a pub for our first beer, the whole virginity thing, it was like,

Balance Sheet

Fixed Asset .................................Virginity

Then when we were in our roaring 20s and trying to meet as many guys as possible in a pub, it was

Balance Sheet

Current Asset ............................. Virginity

Now that most of us are married and having 2nd and 3rd kids,

Balance Sheet

Liability ..................................... Virginity

It would take a very very brave man to step up and put it in. Really. Between that and a bear trap, I'm almost completely certain that most men would want to take a second look at that bear trap. If you ever went out for dinner with a woman almost exactly halfway through her 30s, and during dessert she leans over and says, By the way, I'm a virgin, would you think (with tented trousers) oh yessss babyyyy. Or would you be running to the loo to ask a friend to call you with an emergency in 5 minutes (please man, you gotta help me).

To be completely fair and even though I'm really still quite pissed off with her, I did ask a friend (let's just call him The Cassava) if he would be interested in meeting hh... NO he said. NO NONONNONONONONO.

But I haven't even finished my sentence!

NONONONO. You told me she's your age and she's a virgin, right? And difficult with men? NONONONONONONONONO.

Well tell me how you really feel about it.

I suspect if she ever tried putting it up for sale, there would be several negative bids. Like men would want to be paid for their time. Plus a little premium for the stress and effort. And a fluffer.


At 5:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm... I don't really think its matters so much as to whether she's virgin or not. So long as she's hot!

At 8:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 8:27 AM, Blogger Han said...

can I just say that this is a fuckinfantastic post? I fell off the chair laughing before I got to the 2nd paragraph. And didn't get back up till 15 mins later.

Did the hamburger give you diarrhoea?

Oh and honestly, a shag MIGHT be worth considering with the Virgin IF she's hot, but under no circumstances would an actual long-term relationship of any sort be on the cards.

At 11:30 AM, Anonymous kierra said...

the hambuger part was yurky!

At 3:11 PM, Blogger amaranth said...

isn't that a tad harsh?
your "un-friend" sounds like an idiot if that's how she behaves on a date and yet wants to get laid. but i hardly think she's representative of all.
and the reactions of the men do sound a little too superficial.

just my two cents.

At 1:48 AM, Blogger Little Miss Drinkalot said...

Just buy her a cucumber.

At 12:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

getting her de-virginised would not be a problem at all if she was hot.

see the responses above for reference.

At 4:05 PM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

TLJ: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

TLJ/ Kierra: Regarding the hamburger, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. So I'm officially stronger.

Amaranth: Sorry - wrote the post while grouchy. No intention to refer to any person other than 1 particular individual.

To various anonymi: Not hot. Quite muscular. A light mustache. Quite a lot of dark hair on her head that grows down to the middle of her forehead which would require regular shaving.

But look on the bright side - she can put an entire chicken wing into her mouth, strip it bare (with just her teeth and tongue) and spit out the bones.

At 8:34 PM, Blogger Han said...

*shudders in horror*

"run away!"

At 12:47 AM, Blogger knobby said...

Lol. You really despise her.

You already know my views on virgins but I have to say I wasn't imagining anyone like this when I wrote that post!

At 4:01 AM, Blogger The UnCensored Mama said...

OK now we know why she's a virgin.

Some people are just born to be virgins for life.

At 9:26 AM, Blogger Indiana said...

It wouldn't matter how hot she was if all she could speak was "snooty" and at 35 is still a virgin, I guess she will die one.

No man in his right mind would go there...EVER.

At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Read your post, burst my sides laughing. Came in here thinking of commending you on your sense of humour, saw your comment about her 'dark hair on her head that grows down to the middle of her forehead which would require regular shaving' and lost my train of thought.

When I grow up, I want to be like you!!

actually a not THAT young reader but you get my point,

and ps: i think it will be impossible for your friend to get deflowered man. The emotional baggage that will follow!! Men are dumb but I'm sure, not that dumb.

At 3:07 PM, Blogger gremlin said...

oh oh lemme guess! (she squeals damn excitedly) ermmm....the heng ? I win ! I win! wat a loser. I win!

At 2:38 AM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

Thanks Jo! I'm glad you liked the post.

Gremlin: No, it's not. And you'll be happy to know I'm not talking about you either.

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At 1:19 PM, Blogger gremlin said...

oh yeah, baby! you coulda had yerself a virgin too. but you had to reject the eggnatius. still up for grabs, y'know ;p

At 11:33 AM, Blogger Fore! said...

Actually Smoot, I didn't even bother asking you what she looked like. Once you described her behaviour I decided I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole, semi-literally :)

She's so emotionally unstable it's likely that the first guy who sleeps with her will be stalked for life. Reminds me of The Wedding Crashers: "Clinger! We need to leave now. Did you hear me? I have a Stage 5 Virgin Clinger! Let's go!"

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At 1:21 AM, Blogger michelle said...

i'm going to turn 21 this year, and not to sound prissy or anything, but is a virgin in her 30s considered to be that gross or rare? haha.

At 2:35 AM, Blogger knobby said...

Smoot. Please. Fix. Now.

At 11:57 AM, Anonymous dilettanteP said...

She needs to find a younger, horny man...

maybe that might do the trick to deflower her!

At 9:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know of someone who got conned by your friend's XXXXXXX.... It was disaster !

At 5:34 AM, Anonymous midnight shakes the memory said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! man. reminds me of that whole catch-22 growing up. parents can be so fucking unrealistic. i mean. first they say "study hard! no boyfriends!" and then the next thing you know it's "how come not married and no grandchildren?"

i mean, where was the step in between? it's like they expect you to go from innocent untouched virgin to baby factory without actually ... oh wait, that must have been how arranged marriages came about... ^^;;; :\ :>

for a second when you said moustache i almost thought you were talking about me. but then i realized i didn't qualify for the other bits. heh ^^;;; :>

At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

can you tell S.l.u.m. it is kept in the dark ?

At 5:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok .... found it ... LMAO!

But really ... have you considered a career in writing?? or a side-line career!

And I wouldn't want to be the target of your criticisms MAN!


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