Eats Pukes and Leaves

Am truly a sorry sight to behold today. Every time I have a business lunch at some cool joint, I always leave with the vague hope that I will get food poisoning so that I can get a voucher to come back for another meal. Two for the price of one! Today, I went for the buffet lunch at the Long Bar Steak House, and before I could say "voucher", I had some pretty interesting food poisoning. And pretty bad too. Ugh. [*crawls off to the bathroom to throw up*]

My boss, who only ate 3 oysters, has experienced no adverse side effects. I, on the other hand, managed to down about 12 or more which frankly is par for the course. And they were yummy. Not like the Oyster Bar at Takashimaya which sold me an obviously rotting oyster and then tried to give me another rotting replacement oyster after I spat the first one out. This is what happens when you leave your oyster bar in the care of a bunch of underpaid employees.

The thing about oysters which no one seems to agree with me is that you have to eat them ALIVE. It takes hours for a freshly shucked raw oyster to pass away naturally. If you are eating a dead oyster off a bed of ice, then you should know it has been open for at least 3 hours. And since it is now dead, the process of decay has started. Lying on a bed of ice can only slow down (not stop) the decay process, and if you are eating a dead oyster that is not quite chilled, then you should know that it could have died some time ago and the process of decay has not slowed down at all.

How do you know if the oyster is alive? Hold it up to the light, till you can see the oyster glistening. If it is extremely fresh, you can see the glistening edges move. If it is dying, but not dead, then the edges may not move until you squeeze the lemon on the oyster. Then the glistening bits will move - note that the movements are peristaltic and so you need to watch the flaps where the oyster meat interfaces with its shell. You will literally see the oyster cringe, but don't expect it to move quickly - it will be a slow Mexican wave of cringing.

Ya ya, I know there are proper names for the parts of the oyster I've mentioned but as long as I've gotten the point across, that's good enough for me.

If it is an immediate cringe, and you can see the whole oyster bulge outwards, then congratulations, you are holding an extremely fresh oyster and should eat it immediately. To put it out of its misery, please chew it thoroughly before you swallow.

If you are cringing (or screaming) as you read this, or already writing a complaint letter to the SPCA, then I take it you don't like oysters. Or you only like raw oyster cadavers.

Oh God. I really have some pretty bad food poisoning.