Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Global Best Practices

I'd like to think that a fair part of my life has been spent doing something that will, ultimately, leave behind more than just piles of paper in little manila files which will be incinerated after 8 years.

Dream on, woman.

But one thing that I have achieved, which I will now set down in writing (and free!) for the Good of All Mankind, is the knowledge of the Global Best Practices in Twix. Twix chocolate bars, one of the products of the good corporate citizen Mars, Inc. I have accumulated a good many years of experience in Twix and I can now safely say that I could be THE leading global authority on Twix. All your burning questions re Twix will be answered right here, right now.

Question 1: What is the difference between Twix bars in US and UK?

Twix bars sold in the US are far too sweet. A mouthful of sugar with every bite, or as my Math teacher used to say when reading our answer scrips, "Stops your heart first thing in the morning". The cookie and the caramel are also not cohesive - the taste does not meld together with the chocolate into one delightful crescendo in your mouth. It's as though all the separate ingredients are calling out "Look at me! Look at me!", and your tongue gets all confused. Kind of like drinking tea and coca-cola all at the same time. There is also a slight hint of puke flavour which sometimes happens when you put together too many dairy ingredients into 1 product.

The UK Twix, on the other hand, is a masterpiece of construction. The cookie, caramel and chocolate flavours blend harmoniously on the palate. Nibbled separately, they taste only passable but somehow everything just works wonderfully when you're chewing them together. It's a modern day miracle! Personally I find it incredibly difficult to eat the UK Twix mini-bar because I just end up with a table full of open wrappers and chocolate crumbs that I have to sweep into the dustbin. It's much less disruptive to work flow (typing, reading, telephone) if I just go straight for the regular sized bar and finish that.

Once during a long car trip from London to SomeSmallTown, we were down to a couple of Twix bars belonging to a travel companion that she simply refused to share. Not even a single bite. Things almost got ugly and I told myself it would never happen to me again. Or if it did, I'll be the one holding the Twix bar with Twix all over my face and hands, refusing to share with anyone.

Question 2: Why is Twix not popular in Singapore?

The answer to that is almost self-explanatory. You can buy Twix anywhere in Singapore - in the petrol station, any supermarket, even at the mama store. But nobody wants to. The answer is simple. Just try a Twix bar purchased in Singapore. Did the chocolate crumble in your mouth and in your hands? Do you have dry chocolate crumbs all over your lap? Did the caramel taste like sick-up? Did the cookie bend or break? and then crumble? Do you now wish you spent that dollar on a Hershey bar?

Question 3: What is the best Twix on Earth?

It's a close fight between European Twix and UK Twix. Both are creamy, not too sweet and the taste blends marvelously in your mouth (I am allowed to repeat myself - it's my blog). Right now I can't decide. If I ever do, you'll be the first to know.

Question 4: Have you given any thought to providing this valuable feedback to the Mars corporation?

Yes, I sent them a complaint letter in 1997, with my detailed views per above and on the disappointing cream content of their made-for-Singapore Twix bars which are actually manufactured in Australia. They responded with a very nice letter (which I still have somewhere) which mentioned a hamper of Mars products coming my way. Unfortunately this was never received. I believe they did send it, but it may have been, uh, intercepted by the receptionists of a previous firm. Although I've held the grudge up till now (her name is Leslie and I'm sure she's still got the extra hip fat from eating my chocolates), I've never really been all that upset about it because upon further consideration, it would've meant that I'd just be eating more crumbly Singapore Twix bars (accompanied by a moral obligation to finish them since they were a gift from that nice company).

Final Question: Aside from Twix, what else is good?

Lion bars. UK Lion bars. A friend back from London once misunderstood my repeated requests for TWIX TWIX TWIX and bought me Lion bars. I was very angry until I ate one of the Lion bars and was pleasantly surprised. The only difference between a Lion bar and a Twix is that the cookie is replaced with rice crispies. The result is a lighter, fluffier taste, less sweet, but without the oomph that the cookie imparts to the palate. Like sipping Pepsi when you're expecting Coke - your taste buds are looking for that extra taste-note at the end which is just not there. But it's still satisfying.

49 Comments:

At 12:51 PM, Blogger gremlin said...

oh you've never been more right. that's why I survived on twix during exam periods every year for 4 years. and it just never tasted the same back home. now everything's clearer.....

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

Yeah. You went from Twix heaven to Twix hell.

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger MercerMachine said...

lion bars have rice (in the chocolate shell) IN ADDITION TO the cookie, not instead of. You are obviously not an expert on lion bars.

 
At 11:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lion Bars are merchandized commercially by Nestle, whereas Cadbury's does manufacture a similiar product marketed with the nomenclature of "Picnic Bar", which is the popular version of this type of chewy yet crunchy calorifically dense product in the civilized world, videlicet, Australia. Although I see it too is available in England.

Picnic Bars have rice cripsies AND peanuts AND raisins ("Picnic? It's a f****ing FEAST!" was the failed ad campaign) within the chocolate coating and around the central wafer. No peanuts and raisins in Lion Bars. Very poor showing.

And you can't be referring to me as the friend who brought you only copious supplies of said Lion Bars and made you angry, as I brought you both Lion Bars AND Twix, although you only ever thanked me for the Twix. Or was that last part of your post some sort of an oblique apology for this gratitudinal ellipsis???

Hmmm???

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

No no! We was misunderstood!

I was referring to an incident that occurred some 8 years ago when a request for Twix resulted in only Lion bars. I don't hold grudges, but don't you think that a person who has perfect sight and hearing should've been able to distinguish between the 2?

I was amazed and awed by the quality of Twix and Lion bars that you had brought back, in response to a request for a mixture of Twix and Lion bars. The husband and son (secret sharers of the loot) have similarly been awed and amazed. Let's meet up again over some more beer chicken!

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger expat@large said...

Why did I come out as anonymous on that last comment?

The mysteries of blogger?

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

Not sure... but there was no confusion whatsoever. I remember people through their Twix rating. You have a rating of Twix/LB 5, which is the highest.

 
At 6:42 PM, Blogger lanfear said...

What can you recommend this poor benighted soul who only loves dark chocolate?

 
At 12:56 AM, Blogger expat@large said...

Belgium?

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger The Screwy Skeptic said...

oh gee, i never knew that before. i just figured there was some unviersal recipe to a twix bar... hm, food for thought.

 
At 8:59 PM, Blogger Agagooga said...

Is there Twix in Malaysia?

 
At 3:54 AM, Blogger Alonso said...

Recently I found that I dont seem to find twix bars selling in singapore. Am I simply not looking at the right places(ntuc, cold storage, shop and save) or are they gone?

 
At 1:32 PM, Blogger The Legal Janitor said...

you are all wrong! Kinder Bueno is the bestest!

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

To Agagooga and Alonso: Twix bars in Singapore and Malaysia are like a person with a HUGE inferiority complex at a party. They're there, but they've managed to blend so well into the wallpaper that you'd really have to be looking for them to find them. Sometimes, you even need the help of the party host to point them out.

Personally I find it disturbing that you'd want to eat them. Take a hint from the shelf stockist who put the Hershey and Dove bars at standing-person-eye-level: SAVE YOURSELF - BUY THESE INSTEAD.

It could also be that stocks of Twix in Singapore and Malaysia are reduced through lack of demand. Or no demand. Maybe the good people at Mars Corporation tried tasting their own product and then ran for the loo.

To Ianfear: I've heard great things from dark chocolate lovers about the stuff at Leonidas and Godiva. Am not sure if Royce stocks dark choc by itself - I've got a feeling that they do, but mixed with liquier or some other ingredient.

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

I can't spell liquier.

 
At 8:29 PM, Blogger Agagooga said...

The Twix in Singapore must be made in Malaysia...

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger Cobalt Paladin said...

Just wondering if you've noticed the increase in readership caused you've been tomorrowed! submitted by The Screwy Skeptic. :)

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

Legal Janitor: Kinder Bueno is great if you like a hazelnut, liquid chocolate filling and wafer combo. I honestly tried to switch brands when I came back from my holiday and found out I was in Twix Hell, but obsession is not a choice.

Hang on a minute. I'm talking to a guy who lives in Australia where the chocolate bars at the supermarket and convenience store don't taste like you just retched into your own mouth. Aarrgghgh!!

Cobalt: I have no sitemeter, but the Husband did mention that I got tomorrowed and I'm astounded and amazed!!! Also very very flattered. It makes me feel so much better on a really bad day.

 
At 9:29 PM, Anonymous astropup said...

reese's peanut butter cups rule! :D

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

I agree - they are surprisingly good, even for someone who does not like peanut butter.

 
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At 9:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your post is still relevant 3 years after the original post date. For all you Singaporeans still hankering for a decent Twix bar, Mustafa is selling ones from Greece or Norway or something. I can't make out the writing. A big pack of bitesized candies goes for around $6.

 
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