Saturday, December 22, 2007

Environmentalist, Philanthropist, Married Man

There's nothing worse than forgetting to hand over the Ang Pao at a good friend's wedding. Especially when you know he pulled out all the stops with the world famous photographer and videographer, fifty? hundred? table-dinner at the Shang and multiple tailored and hand-sewn dresses for the new wife. Also, world famous makeup artist. And spanking new hand-stitched tablecloths and chair covers for each red rose-petal strewn table.

Ok ok so obviously I already handed him the Ang Pao, otherwise I'd be passed out on the floor already from the guilt.

Passed him the Ang Pao today, only sans the red packet, just after we met for lunch. Also, there are probably some things in the world more embarrassing than your Boss passing by and seeing you furtively pass some random young guy a bundle of cash in a shopping mall. If I can think of what these more embarrassing things would be, you'll be the first to know. But I digress.

What do you say to a dear friend who just got married barely a week ago and managed to take time out from his busy golf-and-wild-animal-sex-with-new-wife schedule to meet you for lunch?

I asked him - hey, where's Part 2 of your Memoirs of How to Pick up a Stewardess before the Plane has even Landed? I thought you wanted to make sure that your vast and wonderful knowledge of secret feminine desires does not become lost forever. What about the young men who will now grow up without this Holy Grail of wisdom. How will they manage to pick up wimmen and have sex. How will humans survive to leave Earth and populate the mighty Universe. The future of our world depends on you.

Well, he said, putting more chilli into the soup, since nobody has really asked about Part 2, I just haven't written it yet. Also, did you notice I did not have an Ex-Girlfriends' Table at my wedding. Don't you want to know why?

Gee. I guess it's because it would have been logistically much more complicated to have to rent another ballroom (hur hur hur) just to accommodate all the Exes. Also, the simmering broiling tension hanging over the Ex-Girlfriend section would have set people's hair and clothes on fire. Obviously you really do understand wimmen since you didn't even try to invite a single Ex to the wedding.

Exactly. Also, do you know that by getting married, I am saving the Environment? It dawned upon me one day that, with all the wimmen I have been dating through the years, that I have substantially polluted the Earth and the Environment with my sperm. While it is true to say that I have also given generously of myself and made many many women extremely happy for no extra charge, I must also acknowledge that my constant and effusive contributions are causing the Earth to become highly concentrated in sperm. Specifically, my sperm. And I have not stopped, until now, to think about the potentially adverse consequences to the Environment. Just like the woman in the supermarket who uses a recyclable cloth bag for her groceries, it is time for me to take a stand for Gaia. Therefore, I must now marry, and stop this wasteful pollution once and for all. FOR I AM SAVING THE ENVIRONMENT!

Well isn't the English language a wonderful thing indeed. Given enough time and consideration, even your penis can be a philanthropist AND an environmentally friendly piece of equipment. Vagina monologues are so overrated.

Very Unsatisfactory Post-Script. Just watched Survivor. I CANNOT believe that Air Tiny won.


At 9:08 PM, Blogger gremlin said...

am surprised he got any.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger HairyDonut said...

Why do people say that you speak very good Fortune Cookie, I can't imagine.

At 8:20 AM, Anonymous Someone said...

Ranting time (because I don't have a blog of my own to write, so I'll have to hijack someone else's)!

There's lots of stuff that I'm disgusted by, but the chief one is seeing some rich fucker marrying some money hungry bitch while I have to do my job serving the guests.

Yes, I'm a waiter. I do my job too. No spitting in the food, no snarling at the customers. Hey, the rich fucker pays my salary too.

But where does he get his money? From his parents! From his parents who are loaded with pots of lucre, filthy or not. From the lovely people who conceived him after a night of passionate lovemaking.

Sex. Which I have never experienced and probably will never, since I'm piss poor (for now). I'll never have that sort of glamorous wedding where I can show everyone that I have a big cock.

And that makes me very, very pissed. Because I was not a lucky sperm. Because my father never did anything significant in his life. So I have to pick up all that pieces and work to guarantee a better future.

Sometimes I just feel like screaming at my father: Why didn't you even TRY?

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