I hate to remind you again, but when are we having lunch with Adele?

It's not a crush that girls have on other girls. Adele brings me great joy. I'd like to meet her again. You know who you are - can you please fix lunch?

We all have our specialist practice areas. A friend of mine specialises in dating pale slim Chinese women with rather flat faces and very sparse eyebrows. I referred to them as "Hello Kitty" faces once - ok, more than once - and I think he's still mad. I spoke with him once before a rather formal get-together and he was in a foul temper.

I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel, says he. I've just had my date cancel last minute and no one is available except Adele.

Who's Adele?

She's this very pretty girl. Great bod. Pretty face. Nice hair. Dumb as dogshit.

What's the problem with that?

You'll know. We'll sit with you.

And so it came to pass that I ended up sitting in a tight little group with Adele and my smirking friend. And by "tight little group" I mean not enough people to start an alternative conversation with. It was terrifying. It was clear from the get-go that her world revolved around a single axis, and that axis had "ADELE" inscripted in bold and uppercase, underlined twice. There was no topic too remote that could not be gently led back to the topic of herself, there was no other topic that she would prefer to discuss and I tried my best, but it was like trying to steer a headless chicken with a rocket jammed up its tight little ass.

I think at one point we were actually discuss politics, something about which I could not be less interested but nonetheless I was tired of talking about Adele and her drinking and partying. Then it switched to someone knowing someone else in the "biblical sense". Adele avidly watched the 2 people talking, her eyes switching from one to the other like she was enjoying a tennis match.

Bible? she finally cut in. I'm not religious. I just like to drink.